Yikes!
I'll bring a flashlight and a mechanic.
This is INSANE for replacing a crankcase seal. Pull the motor, tear it apart, then seal.
GM Northstar case halves reseal - Mechanical Database
I did a couple spark plug certs in my Cobra so I'm familiar with the technique.
I still can't imagine every Northstar fails. Cadillac put them in so many vehicles that I can see you guys having a never ending supply of repairs if even 10% of them need service. None of the half dozen people I have asked about their Northstar Caddys have had such major issues.
What do you look for if you do want to (hopefully) get a good Northstar? Lack of oil leaks and no blue or white smoke from the exhaust? Clean oil and no buildup around the filler tube? Also, no grit or discoloration in the tranny fluid? Is there a tranny dipstick?