3800 Relationship thoughts requested...

[98 TGP TOY]

Ok this is an actual serious post from me. So here is the deal. My gf and I have been in a relationship for the past 1yr and 7 months. Since we are both juniors in college, we have been talking about marriage. So we discussed our views on marrage, career, and family. The problem comes in with the career. I am studying to be a Mechanical Engineer. My field of interest is engine design, or something closely related. I informed her that there is a possibility of my not finding a job in IL. She wants to stay near her family in central IL. So I said that if I was offered two different jobs when I graduated:

A. Job NOT in IL related to my field of interest
B. Job in IL, not related to my field of interest

That I would chose A. My reason being that I havent gone to college to work on light fixtures/chair designs/etc. I came to college to get a degree and work with engines/cars/jets/etc. I said it was unfair of her to ask me to give up 40+ years of working on something Ill enjoy, just so we can be closer to family. Now I will be the person bringing in a large majority of the money, also. I told her that all other areas of our life would be a 50/50 decision between her and I.

She brings up the fact that there may not find a job in her field where my job is. She asked that I not judge her if she isnt working for a while, or has trouble finding a job. I told her that it would not bother me if she couldnt find a job in her field, and that I would not pressure her to do so. She also says that im just completely ignoring her wish to stay close to the family.

I told her that I would try my hardest to find a job close, with CAT or something, but that there may not be an oppurtunity.

My thought is that choosing a career im interested in is more important than living a couple hours closer to home (which she takes as my career is more important than her)

Her thought is that family is more important than my career (which i take as....family is more important than my happiness)

Granted this arguement is based off of a situation that my never occur, but its a possibility, and working it out now would be better than having a huge problem when we are engaged.

So what are your serious thoughts on this? Am I being that unreasonable?

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[imported_Ron Vogel]

She's being selfish, but there's no way to tell her that. I gave up a potential $300K a year job being a rep for my company in Vegas, because it was too far from my wife's family. Even though I explained it was a better long-term career decision than staying here and possibly having changes to my current job eventually. She wasn't concerned. Well now, we have 2 kids, a house, and 2 cars. It's not cheap to run all this, and my company screwed me this year, so I have to do all of this on only $40K, which is half of what I made last year. So now I have to find a new job, probably outside the industry I want to work in just to make ends meet. It sounds insensitive, but most girls just don't understand that just having family won't make you happy. You need to think of yourself (or immediate family) and the needs to establish yourself. That will make your family happy, and you as well. In the future if you and your GF have kids, who's going to be working? You better be happy in your job, I'm the sole provider in my family, and it's very stressful to bear that responsibility.

 

[rjaz gtp]

This is a tough postition to be in for yourself, because you will more than likely not win no matter the outcome is. First of all you are correct by saying that you have worked hard to earn your degree and find a field of interest that you find suiting for your profession. You should pursue all of your options because you are young and you are most flexible now (no kids, home, etc.) Now in a perfect world you would just graduate and go work for a company anywhere in the US that will pay you the most $$$ to do what you want to do....

...on the other hand you have a serious relationship with a girl that has to be pretty important if you are tossing words out like "marriage" Now there are two people to make every decision and I'll tell you from experience that you will never get what you always want, and most of the time when you do, you get an angry wife (not good!)

What you need to do is sit down and discuss you goals and want you both want to accomplish over the next fiver years. Both personally and together. So if getting married is one of those then that is cool, just make sure to lay it all out there so she knows. Make sure that she is also open with you on all the things that are important to her as well. What you need to do is find out what takes precedent and has priority. Some people it is location (family, freinds) other is money, they will move wherever the money is regardless of where they are at. In a relationship you have to give a little to get a little, always remember that.

Now in regards to her current demands it is quite selfish to say that if you get married you have to live close to her family. That puts a lot of pressure on you because then you have to find a specific job in a confined area. You will see there are less opportunities maybe and you will not make as much here as you would elsewhere. Remember your family is always as close as the next flight away. I am not saying that you need to move to find a great job, but she should be understanding of the postition you are in. If she is not willing to budge now then you may want to reconsider your relationship. If she is not willing to be flexible now, she may never open up to new ideas and avenues? Lastly. if she is the one you really love and staying local works best for the both of you then you find a way to make ends meet together, and still be happy...

Good luck with everything and remember I am no Dr. Phil!

 

[sgtp]

Heres an example for you. My brother had a very decent job in the west burbs but quit to get married and more out to NYC because his wife got a promotion that required a move to manhaten. He eventually got a ok job but continued to look untill he landed a fantastic posistion that he can easily say he will stay with till he retires; something the job in Illinois did not have for him. So basicly he took a risk and faced uncertainty but came out better than he was career wise. He and his wife fly out for all the holiday's to see family. (Isnt that the only time most people see their family anyway?) If it were me, I'd tell her to learn to pick up the phone if she misses mon and dad.

 

[Royalgtp]

you have to do what you like to do.......you will be doing it a long time.

1 and 7months is not a long time........ive been with my GF 4 years.....

every month that goes by makes it harder and harder to break up.

Are you at U of I?

 

[imported_Ron Vogel]

Originally posted by RoyalGTP@Feb 16 2005, 02:42 PM

every month that goes by makes it harder and harder to break up.

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or it makes it easier!

 

[staceyyearsich]

Originally posted by Ron Vogel+Feb 16 2005, 03:06 PM-->

<!--QuoteBegin-RoyalGTP

@Feb 16 2005, 02:42 PM

every month that goes by makes it harder and harder to break up.

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or it makes it easier!

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[/b]

I second that notation

 

[staceyyearsich]

I am not good with relationships but my new motto is let them get fucked you be the fucker not the fucked... Cause you could go throught all this hypothetically speaking and come home one night and then she is in bed with another man and then you sacrifised all this for what? Make yourself happy first. "easier said then done" but think about the future and what you want, soooo many times I have given things up for someone and ended up getting screwed over. So just make sure you loook at the WHOLE picture not just how u feel now.

 

[98 TGP TOY]

Thanx for all the advice. These are all things that have gone through my mind. I would like to hear what some girls have to say about this. As it would give me a "both sides" look at this situation. My gf told me that several of her friends feel im being selfish. I just dont know if its a "girl" thing with different priorities and all, or if they are just agreeing with her because thats what friends do. I dont know, I just dont like these situations. ...its so much easier to tell people on TV what to do, than it is when it relates to you.

EDIT:...and then stacy gives advice. . Any other girls????

 

[GTPHales-Wife]

Well I don't think your being selfish....Especially if you end up being the bread winner (as hale calls it). Told my husband I would follow him anywhere, before we were married. If she loves you she will follow you where ever your job takes you. I have several family members that have taken jobs out of state and there GF's followed them and ended up getting married. They couldn't be happier.

This is what happens when you grow up and you want to be with the person that you love. You have to give up somethings!

 

[dsk727]

I agree with lynn. If you are going to be the breadwinner and she will be able to find a decent job in her area wherever you go.. then i say go for it. I would love to be able to get out of IL right now so I may not be the best girl to ask for advice.... but in the end I think if you are happy at your job it will in turn make you and her happy and the relationship will be better. If you stay and are frustrated with your job it may ruin a part of the relationship. (Does that make sense? my brain is really fried from a crazy day at work today)

Good luck with whatever you decide!!!!

 

[Royalgtp]

If you graduate high in your class you will make some good money....



it really is harder and harder to break up the longer you go out.....

 

[sr71_rgl]

You're too young to consider marriage...especially seeing how you haven't even dated her that long. The fact that she's not willing to move away from her family show's that she's not willing to comprimise for the greater good of both of you (read selfish). Do what's best for you. You've got at least 5 more years ahead of you before you should consider committing to someone for the long term.

 

[Fish]

Well, they both are in collage, so the both should have some nice paying jobs.

So its a toss up. In the end, there will have to be a comprimise for both to be happy. Just be careful. Sometimes you can get screwed.

 

[TinyTam95]

I think that you should "follow your heart". If your g/f loves you as much as she says she does then she will go with you. It may be hard for her to except, but she will either go or not go. it's all or nothing. Only you can decide what is best. As they say, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make em drink it". Good luck to ya.

Tammy

 

[iliveonnitro]

I think everyone said everything that is needed. I guess I get to throw in my POV now, because I'm closer to your relationship than most here.

I, also, have been dating my gf for about the same time: 1 year 5 months. Considering you are already talking about marriage, it sounds like you are REALLY in love with her, which makes the situation even more tricky. If this is true, I can relate completely. I never thought that someone could be so perfect for me.

However, if you are going to be the breadwinner, then it is important for you to move where you are needed so that you will be happy with your job. It gets difficult if she really wants to be elsewhere (ie home), but to spend the rest of your life unhappy at your career is just not smart. If she loves you, she will follow you. If she thinks her family is more important, I (difficultly) want to say that you should follow your career. Maybe she will realize that the best thing to do is to move with you, or maybe she will get the same mentality as you and say "1yr 7mo isn't enough time to depend on someone this much."

But your life is your life. Although this is hard to say (because i would never want to hear it if i were in your situation), if she leaves you because of this, there are other people. Say you are awake for 16hrs/day, 10 of which are at/getting ready for/leaving from work. Would you really want to spend 50hrs+ of the 112hrs you are awake? That's some 45% of the time you are awake being unhappy. Is that really worth it?

If she moved with you, I'm sure she could find a job she will like. To me, if you bring home the bacon, you decide where to live.

Good luck.

 

[98 TGP TOY]

Well thanx for all of your opinions. It is very much appreciated. I guess I will see how this unravels. I just needed to see if I was being unreasonable or not. I just want the best for us, but she doesnt seem to see that.

 

[cpk71]

So youre juniors in college, how old is that 22 23? One thing you need to remember do things for yourself first, as in your education/job for the future.i dont mean to sound like an asshole but i found that out the hard way if things dont work with her there is plenty of poontang in this world. You probably love her and its a hard decision but if your not on the same page it wont work. If you get a good job but it means moving,its always nice to get the chance to start a new life all your own someplace else you might be far from people you love and care about but remember life is an adventure! just a couple of thoughts good luck.

 

[sweetness]

Originally posted by 98 TGP TOY@Feb 16 2005, 10:04 PM
Well thanx for all of your opinions.  It is very much appreciated.  I guess I will see how this unravels.  I just needed to see if I was being unreasonable or not.  I just want the best for us, but she doesnt seem to see that.

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My opinion is that you are awfully young to be considering marriage.


Not to say that you couldnt pull it off, but people change SOO MUCH after college that the girl you are dating now might be a completely different person in 3 years. If I were you I would wait for a few years out of school to see how the "real world" effects your relationship.


One of the bigget things I found after leaving college was that the world that I thought existed doesnt. Things are just different when you are on your own, making your own decisions,and having to live by them.

When you bring a relationship out of one environment, and drop it into a foreign one, you place a LOT fo stress on it. When you are contractually bound to that relationship it makes it MUCH more difficult to manuver and figure out your place, and the place that she will have in your life.


I know you probably love her. And it may seem like a great way of showing her that you love her by marrying her. But IMO you would be better served by letting the relationship be more flexible as you leave college. Being married means doing best for both of you. Being "single" (not married) means doing best for you. You first few years out of college should be spent getting yourself secure and safe, then worrying about others.

it can be done with both of you involved together, but it is much more difficult to do so without leaving one party feeling shafted.


If you were to fold to her wanting to stay home, then in 5 years end up being divorced, you will be really upset that you put your carreer and dreams on hold for a relationship that you thought was secure. If you stay together and move to Michigan she might wake up one day and hold it against you for keeping her away from her family. This will almost certainly happen as her parents age and come closer to death. If they die, and you "kept" her away from them, she might just hold it as your fault that she didnt get to see her family more before they were gone. It would take a LOT of understanding and maturity to NOT blame it on you.


Dont let your heart win out on this one. You REALLY need to be kind of cold hearted and figure out what is good for you, and what would be good for a future family.


Good luck to you.


BC

 

[Kyle]

i can agree with alot of what people are saying here, especially alot of what bc is saying.

I've pretty much been through this already, relationship of 2+ years and time came for me to go to school, i basically made the choice that i knew was best for me, which was move from NOWHERE indiana to go to school near one of the biggest metroploises in the world.

needless to say here i am and she is not. It was definetly a hard break up but it happens. and she is a mcu differnet person now anyway and so am i. I just dont think it would work.

Sometimes you just gotta cut em loose and do whats best for you, I know it sounds harsh but thats what matters in the end. you never really know how a relationship is going to end, till death do us part or till death do us part cuz i caught u cheatin on me or something like that. If shes really worth it she'll go to be with you and hopefully things will work out.

My end situation: i'm in school, working 2 jobs, and liking what i'm doing right now and probabally what i'll be doing in the future also.

Her end situation: Stay in podunk indiana work at dairy queen and take gen ed classes at a crap school where no creds are transferrable and be miserable.

You just gotta do whats best for you, period. Dont worry about someone who hasnt even known long enough to go through 3 birthdays. Cuz the rest of ur life is a very long time, and regret isnt fun.