It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United
States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year
I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want
you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am
commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling,
Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the
Ark and bring everything aboard in one year"
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud
covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went
into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his
front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my
best but there were big problems. First, I had to
get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering
firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got
sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I could not complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator
of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of
the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
that I am practicing discrimination by not taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country
to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some
kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as
a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an
injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a
religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another 5 or
6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun
began to shine and the seas began to calm. A
rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not
going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already
has. "
AMEN!
States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year
I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want
you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am
commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling,
Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the
Ark and bring everything aboard in one year"
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud
covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went
into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his
front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my
best but there were big problems. First, I had to
get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering
firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight
with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got
sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I could not complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they
had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator
of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of
the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
that I am practicing discrimination by not taking
godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country
to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some
kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as
a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an
injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a
religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another 5 or
6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun
began to shine and the seas began to calm. A
rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not
going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already
has. "
AMEN!