Lazy/funny co-worker stories
- Thread starter Great White Drake
- Start date
We had an Equipment Operator at the Nuke plant nicknamed “Blister”.
He would always show up to an issue after it has been resolved.
I have applied that nickname to others as I moved on in my career.
He would always show up to an issue after it has been resolved.
I have applied that nickname to others as I moved on in my career.
I have a couple but this one takes the cake
I worked for NCR for awhile, basically we fixed registers and self checkouts for all your big players. (Walmart, stsrbucks, jewel, etc)
Co-worker would go to a site, park his truck and then would either:
1) go to the movies or casino
2) do the bare minimum and close a couple calls for the day but mark 8 hours
3) or my favorite....he would create dozens of workorders for the site he parked at (so he appeared busy) and then all the work orders would be like "replaced missing screw", " cleaned screen" basically garbage made up shit....
And the fucking kicker is because of that, his numbers looked fantastic (and fake if you weren't an idiot, but my boss was) and then the boss man would be like "why cant you other guys have numbers like him"
Dude milked that shit and was still milking it when I left. Not sure what happened to him.
I worked for NCR for awhile, basically we fixed registers and self checkouts for all your big players. (Walmart, stsrbucks, jewel, etc)
Co-worker would go to a site, park his truck and then would either:
1) go to the movies or casino
2) do the bare minimum and close a couple calls for the day but mark 8 hours
3) or my favorite....he would create dozens of workorders for the site he parked at (so he appeared busy) and then all the work orders would be like "replaced missing screw", " cleaned screen" basically garbage made up shit....
And the fucking kicker is because of that, his numbers looked fantastic (and fake if you weren't an idiot, but my boss was) and then the boss man would be like "why cant you other guys have numbers like him"
Dude milked that shit and was still milking it when I left. Not sure what happened to him.
Had a co-worker named Dorothy, she was the laziest person I ever met and worked for that company for over 25 years, total bitch if you needed her to do something but was the most obvious suck up to the bosses. We nicknamed her "Box" as in she was about as smart as a box of rocks. She went on vacation one time and the boss actually made her off load her work. We found out that her job could be done with 3 excel macro's.
So after this we made it a point to purposely mess with her at every opportunity. One time we took a screenshot of her desktop and set it as her wallpaper, hid her icons and start/menu bar. She had a complete meltdown in front of our whole division ( open floor concept office space) because she couldn't click any of her desktop icons or start button. It was like watching a 2yr old having a temper tantrum. We were dying laughing, it was obvious we were messing with her and she went off on us. My co-worker yelled out the comment that we could replace her with 3 excel macro's and the whole floor went silent. She left the floor crying (and no one felt bad) The VP at the time got up and left the floor, we found out later he went to the bathroom because he couldn't hold in the laughter any longer. Dorothy after that point started getting shit duties and sucking up to the boss actually made it worse on her. They eventually fired her a few years later.
So after this we made it a point to purposely mess with her at every opportunity. One time we took a screenshot of her desktop and set it as her wallpaper, hid her icons and start/menu bar. She had a complete meltdown in front of our whole division ( open floor concept office space) because she couldn't click any of her desktop icons or start button. It was like watching a 2yr old having a temper tantrum. We were dying laughing, it was obvious we were messing with her and she went off on us. My co-worker yelled out the comment that we could replace her with 3 excel macro's and the whole floor went silent. She left the floor crying (and no one felt bad) The VP at the time got up and left the floor, we found out later he went to the bathroom because he couldn't hold in the laughter any longer. Dorothy after that point started getting shit duties and sucking up to the boss actually made it worse on her. They eventually fired her a few years later.
When I worked at the Honda dealer there was was this goofy porter who looked like Barnicle Boy with a handlebar mustache. We called him Bratwurst because he insisted on wearing short shorts and tube socks all the time with his pastey hairless legs.
Anyway, this guy stumbled into the dealer when he was 15, went full time when he graduated high school which I assume was in the early 80s, and never left or even bothered to try a different position. He was always Johnny on the spot if there was a customer in need of a courtesy shuttle barely inside the 10 mile limited radius. Otherwise, he definitely "pooping" or in the carwash. Nice guy, but damn. He really needs to consider getting out of mom's basement. He's kind of just a shop fixture at this point. Regardless, I'm shocked that the prick of a service manager has put up with that shit for so long. He loves fucking people over.
Anyway, this guy stumbled into the dealer when he was 15, went full time when he graduated high school which I assume was in the early 80s, and never left or even bothered to try a different position. He was always Johnny on the spot if there was a customer in need of a courtesy shuttle barely inside the 10 mile limited radius. Otherwise, he definitely "pooping" or in the carwash. Nice guy, but damn. He really needs to consider getting out of mom's basement. He's kind of just a shop fixture at this point. Regardless, I'm shocked that the prick of a service manager has put up with that shit for so long. He loves fucking people over.
I’m at a different terminal today helping out because they are short handed. The guy working here just got caught sleeping by the supervisor, didn’t even get in trouble, just told him to finish a few things then go back to sleep. That would never fly at my location, guess I’ll nap while I’m here tomorrow.
Oh fuck. I could do pages on this topic.
I’ll start with a few of the current headache we have to deal with.
He doesn’t shower.
Goes weeks without brushing his teeth.
Will take a loud runny dump in the stall next to you then pull up his pants and walk straight out of the bathroom. No wiping, no flushing and no washing hands. I haven’t touched a bathroom door handle in 6 years because of him.
We had to take all the scrap metal out of a 30 yard dumpster and separate the regular trash (not like stinky kitchen garbage or anything gross). We got halfway through the dumpster and decided to use the boom truck to pick up the end so we wouldn’t have to walk into it and we could all get to the junk and work faster. Only problem was the distressed chain that was holding the end of the dumpster to the tip winch on the boom but no one needed to walk under the 45° dumpster anyway. Where’s dipshit? Taking a break in the shade of the dumpster RIGHT UNDERNEATH IT while we’re trying to dislodge an I-beam in the dumpster with a skid loader.
Same dumbfuck put a 4 foot hole in someone’s garage roof with the boom of his truck.
Same genius broke 5 poles, took out all power and communication lines for an entire neighborhood and denied he had anything to do with it. He was the one pulling the cable in with his truck and had full view of the entire cable lead from where he was setup.
Fell in a manhole because he wasn’t paying attention to where he was walking.
Hits himself in the face with a 3lbs hammer at least 3 times a year.
Drove from Skokie to Villa Park with a bin door open that had a full load of bolts, nuts, washers, nails, lags, clamps etc. The bin was almost empty when he got back to the garage.
He’s been doing his current role for about 8 years, still doesn’t know what he’s doing.
That’s the cliff notes version of ONE GUY.
I’ll start with a few of the current headache we have to deal with.
He doesn’t shower.
Goes weeks without brushing his teeth.
Will take a loud runny dump in the stall next to you then pull up his pants and walk straight out of the bathroom. No wiping, no flushing and no washing hands. I haven’t touched a bathroom door handle in 6 years because of him.
We had to take all the scrap metal out of a 30 yard dumpster and separate the regular trash (not like stinky kitchen garbage or anything gross). We got halfway through the dumpster and decided to use the boom truck to pick up the end so we wouldn’t have to walk into it and we could all get to the junk and work faster. Only problem was the distressed chain that was holding the end of the dumpster to the tip winch on the boom but no one needed to walk under the 45° dumpster anyway. Where’s dipshit? Taking a break in the shade of the dumpster RIGHT UNDERNEATH IT while we’re trying to dislodge an I-beam in the dumpster with a skid loader.
Same dumbfuck put a 4 foot hole in someone’s garage roof with the boom of his truck.
Same genius broke 5 poles, took out all power and communication lines for an entire neighborhood and denied he had anything to do with it. He was the one pulling the cable in with his truck and had full view of the entire cable lead from where he was setup.
Fell in a manhole because he wasn’t paying attention to where he was walking.
Hits himself in the face with a 3lbs hammer at least 3 times a year.
Drove from Skokie to Villa Park with a bin door open that had a full load of bolts, nuts, washers, nails, lags, clamps etc. The bin was almost empty when he got back to the garage.
He’s been doing his current role for about 8 years, still doesn’t know what he’s doing.
That’s the cliff notes version of ONE GUY.
Not sure if you guys find this funny, but we all nearly pissed our pants.
Had a guy that was my boss (not the owner just a boss), crazy fucking lunatic 100% Irish South Sider. Ive seen him shoot bottle rockets out of his asshole, but thats another story. Anyway, he was the guy that did all our out of town work. He always found whores on CL and Back Page and would bring them to his hotel. Didnt care who he shared a room with, if the chick was fine with someone else in the room he would take care of his business with whoever was in the room otherwise they had to leave. He would eat these bitches out before smashing them, I know, nasty MFer.
One night we were working an OT job downtown and the company I worked for was actually in the same whse I'm in now. I was a driver/installer for this company, so that night I'm driving a 26' box truck loaded with furniture. On the ass end I had a wood 72x30 wood desk sitting on its feet. This is about 20yrs ago and Pershing Rd (39th st) from the Dan Ryan west to my whse was all kinds of truck stops/diners. Well a lot of lot lizards hung out at those places. But they were all nasty ass crack head bitches from the projects on Pershing, I wouldnt let one blow me if my life depended on it lol. We always drank on these OT jobs (beer) and yes I know, not smart when driving a 26' box truck. Still in my young and dumb years and 0 fucks given. Shit if the boss was doing it, then it was okay was my thought.
Get stuck at a light and a lot lizard approached my truck asking if I was looking for a date (blowjob). I dont know why this popped in my head, but I told her no, but actually have some work for you if your interested. I pulled over, told her to get in so we could talk. Told her I would give her $40 to jump in the back of the truck when we got to my whse parking lot. Get asshole naked and lay on that desk spreading her pussy lips. She said, all I gotta do is lay on the desk naked and play with my pussy, I dont have to suck no dick. I said playing with you pussy sounds better and yes thats all you have to do. She agreed, got back to my whse like a mile down Pershing, opened the back door for her, and told her to lay on that desk sitting on the ass end. Told her when the truck door opens she needs to start playing with her pussy. Called my buddy who was at the whse and told him make sure the guy that likes hookers opens the door and told him why. Also told him make sure everyone is on or around the dock.
Back in to the dock, and I yell to that guy. Open up and start unloading, I'm gonna go take a shit real quick. I was actually hiding in the stairwell.
Said guy opens the back door to the truck and all I hear is "WHAT THE FUCK", I come out from where I was hiding and she was going to town on her pussy, lmmfao. She wound up making an extra $75 sucking 3 dicks including the guy who liked hookers. I still talk to and occasionally hang out with some of those guys that where there, we are all still in the same line of business. That story still comes up and I have even heard it from guys that weren't there and didn't even work with us lol. That story is like legendary in the used office furniture business.
Had a guy that was my boss (not the owner just a boss), crazy fucking lunatic 100% Irish South Sider. Ive seen him shoot bottle rockets out of his asshole, but thats another story. Anyway, he was the guy that did all our out of town work. He always found whores on CL and Back Page and would bring them to his hotel. Didnt care who he shared a room with, if the chick was fine with someone else in the room he would take care of his business with whoever was in the room otherwise they had to leave. He would eat these bitches out before smashing them, I know, nasty MFer.
One night we were working an OT job downtown and the company I worked for was actually in the same whse I'm in now. I was a driver/installer for this company, so that night I'm driving a 26' box truck loaded with furniture. On the ass end I had a wood 72x30 wood desk sitting on its feet. This is about 20yrs ago and Pershing Rd (39th st) from the Dan Ryan west to my whse was all kinds of truck stops/diners. Well a lot of lot lizards hung out at those places. But they were all nasty ass crack head bitches from the projects on Pershing, I wouldnt let one blow me if my life depended on it lol. We always drank on these OT jobs (beer) and yes I know, not smart when driving a 26' box truck. Still in my young and dumb years and 0 fucks given. Shit if the boss was doing it, then it was okay was my thought.
Get stuck at a light and a lot lizard approached my truck asking if I was looking for a date (blowjob). I dont know why this popped in my head, but I told her no, but actually have some work for you if your interested. I pulled over, told her to get in so we could talk. Told her I would give her $40 to jump in the back of the truck when we got to my whse parking lot. Get asshole naked and lay on that desk spreading her pussy lips. She said, all I gotta do is lay on the desk naked and play with my pussy, I dont have to suck no dick. I said playing with you pussy sounds better and yes thats all you have to do. She agreed, got back to my whse like a mile down Pershing, opened the back door for her, and told her to lay on that desk sitting on the ass end. Told her when the truck door opens she needs to start playing with her pussy. Called my buddy who was at the whse and told him make sure the guy that likes hookers opens the door and told him why. Also told him make sure everyone is on or around the dock.
Back in to the dock, and I yell to that guy. Open up and start unloading, I'm gonna go take a shit real quick. I was actually hiding in the stairwell.
Said guy opens the back door to the truck and all I hear is "WHAT THE FUCK", I come out from where I was hiding and she was going to town on her pussy, lmmfao. She wound up making an extra $75 sucking 3 dicks including the guy who liked hookers. I still talk to and occasionally hang out with some of those guys that where there, we are all still in the same line of business. That story still comes up and I have even heard it from guys that weren't there and didn't even work with us lol. That story is like legendary in the used office furniture business.
Holllleeeey fuck, good thread.
I got one person in particular I could write a book about. Called him "Junior" cause he looked like he could have been Rod Blagojevich's offspring, same always-present dumb look on his face.
Best example is he was outsmarted by a 1 button mouse. He was a claimed "mac expert" but couldn't figure out how to use a Mighty Mouse. He'd keep clicking on the right side bringing up the contextual menu, instead of selecting what he wanted. He accused me of changing the preferences to suit my tastes and to alienate him. Keep in mind, an IT Manager was standing there, two coworkers, and a software engineer for our R&D division. All I did was hook up the keyboard, mouse, and display, then power it up and log it in. Nothing else. The software engineer (who is bald) had to keep his back turned to keep from busting out laughing. You could see his entire scalp turning bright red from him holding his breath.
Seriously, could have tied a piece of string around a rock, told him it was a mouse, and he would have been confused by it.
Same person accused me and my coworker of sabotaging a mail merge terminal so he couldn't use it. IIRC it was like an HP 5700 running Win 7. No matter what he did he couldn't get the screen to work. SPENT 15 MINUTES fucking with it. Finally he blurted out an accusation. I walked over and pressed the power button on the monitor to turn it on.
He'd spend all day surfing an RC car forum, and try to hide it. We'd bust him every single time we walked past. He would be on conference calls with our project managers and their customers, and start arguing with both of them on the phone. That really set off some office people.
One week our office was oppressively hot and humid, and we had to wear office attire. Since maintenance couldn't figure out what was wrong our supervisor gave us permission to wear shorts as long as they were clean and had a nice shirt on. My co-worker and i opted to just wear our normal attire. Junior walks in wearing his black safety boots, white socks with the horizontal stripes around the top near the calf, vertical striped shorts, and a black and white (grayish) horizontally striped shirt, with a Gomer Pyle hat (hats were an absolutely no). I swear it looked like his four year old dressed him.
Maintenance figured out the HVAC problem (someone left a damper open at 100% and it was pulling in the hot and damp August air), and we were told to go back to our normal business casual. He continued to wear shorts for three more days until he was written up by HR. He was told, clearly I might add, numerous times by our supervisor that his attire was not appropriate. He continued to wear the hat even though again, not allowed. One day the VP of Operations asked him about his hat, and he gave some dumb answer. The VP had to actually say, "I'm pointing out your hat to you because it is not allowed. I shouldn't be having to explain this to you after your supervisor and HR have already spoken to you."
I don't know why they wouldn't fire his ass.
Oh, forgot the kicker. When he was hired he was told we were primarily a Windows environment and he was asked if he was comfortable with that since he came from a Mac shop. He said, "yes, no problem with that". The day he started he proclaimed he had never used Windows before in his life.
They should have fired his ass right then and there. Would have saved us from like three years of fucking headaches, stress, and a severely toxic work environment.
I got one person in particular I could write a book about. Called him "Junior" cause he looked like he could have been Rod Blagojevich's offspring, same always-present dumb look on his face.
Best example is he was outsmarted by a 1 button mouse. He was a claimed "mac expert" but couldn't figure out how to use a Mighty Mouse. He'd keep clicking on the right side bringing up the contextual menu, instead of selecting what he wanted. He accused me of changing the preferences to suit my tastes and to alienate him. Keep in mind, an IT Manager was standing there, two coworkers, and a software engineer for our R&D division. All I did was hook up the keyboard, mouse, and display, then power it up and log it in. Nothing else. The software engineer (who is bald) had to keep his back turned to keep from busting out laughing. You could see his entire scalp turning bright red from him holding his breath.
Seriously, could have tied a piece of string around a rock, told him it was a mouse, and he would have been confused by it.
Same person accused me and my coworker of sabotaging a mail merge terminal so he couldn't use it. IIRC it was like an HP 5700 running Win 7. No matter what he did he couldn't get the screen to work. SPENT 15 MINUTES fucking with it. Finally he blurted out an accusation. I walked over and pressed the power button on the monitor to turn it on.
He'd spend all day surfing an RC car forum, and try to hide it. We'd bust him every single time we walked past. He would be on conference calls with our project managers and their customers, and start arguing with both of them on the phone. That really set off some office people.
One week our office was oppressively hot and humid, and we had to wear office attire. Since maintenance couldn't figure out what was wrong our supervisor gave us permission to wear shorts as long as they were clean and had a nice shirt on. My co-worker and i opted to just wear our normal attire. Junior walks in wearing his black safety boots, white socks with the horizontal stripes around the top near the calf, vertical striped shorts, and a black and white (grayish) horizontally striped shirt, with a Gomer Pyle hat (hats were an absolutely no). I swear it looked like his four year old dressed him.
Maintenance figured out the HVAC problem (someone left a damper open at 100% and it was pulling in the hot and damp August air), and we were told to go back to our normal business casual. He continued to wear shorts for three more days until he was written up by HR. He was told, clearly I might add, numerous times by our supervisor that his attire was not appropriate. He continued to wear the hat even though again, not allowed. One day the VP of Operations asked him about his hat, and he gave some dumb answer. The VP had to actually say, "I'm pointing out your hat to you because it is not allowed. I shouldn't be having to explain this to you after your supervisor and HR have already spoken to you."
I don't know why they wouldn't fire his ass.
Oh, forgot the kicker. When he was hired he was told we were primarily a Windows environment and he was asked if he was comfortable with that since he came from a Mac shop. He said, "yes, no problem with that". The day he started he proclaimed he had never used Windows before in his life.
They should have fired his ass right then and there. Would have saved us from like three years of fucking headaches, stress, and a severely toxic work environment.
Coworker in college was our server admin really smart and we had 2 linux servers setup for doing a lot of our computer repair work/ticket system. Being college we were open from 9am until 11pm at night. Morning shifts were not super popular and this guy ended up on a few morning shifts. Well since he setup the servers he knew how to remote into them. So one morning with our full time manager (not a college kid) in the room talking to us we see the screen become active, login under his name and proceed to punch his timecard while he was still at his apartment. Guy ended up getting a job with the other tech group after they let him go from our group.
I have a friend who isn't per say lazy but he will spend a ridiculous amount of time to automate something that will save him 10 seconds of his life every day. Case in point it took him 3 weeks to write a bunch of scripts to automatically punch him in every day even though he never really had a problem coming in on time. He just didn't want to punch the timeclock every morning. Is that lazy, smart or stupid?
Sounds like a computer programmer to me.
Smart and lazy is a good combo.
If he is there past 9.8 years, after that he is gaining time back from his scripts if based on 3 weeks/15 days @ 40hrs per week to work on those scripts initially
So this made my eye quiver. I have a great story about something like this except worse and it's so friggen complicated and political that I'm not sure if I should repeat it in full detail.
To make a long story short, imagine a coworker being so damn lazy that instead of doing all that work to relieve himself of a 10 second task, he asked somebody else to make that code for them.
Sleepy Eddie,would fall asleep after eating lunch.I moved all the clocks ahead a couple hours..Wake up Eddie,looks at the clocks...time to go home Eddie,see ya' tomorrow
dude got 1/2 way home before he caught on...just keep going home Eddie,just wanted to teach you a lesson.
The Next Employee,the 20 minute shitter..every job has one.
I took those Bang pops,the things you throw down on the ground that pop like small firecracker..well,they have improved & are pretty fkn loud now.
Took 25 of them & taped them to the bottom of the toilet seat,gently closed toilet seat..
he sat down...Bang...scared the shit out of him...Literally....20 minute shitter turned into 2 minutes...true story
dude got 1/2 way home before he caught on...just keep going home Eddie,just wanted to teach you a lesson.
The Next Employee,the 20 minute shitter..every job has one.
I took those Bang pops,the things you throw down on the ground that pop like small firecracker..well,they have improved & are pretty fkn loud now.
Took 25 of them & taped them to the bottom of the toilet seat,gently closed toilet seat..
he sat down...Bang...scared the shit out of him...Literally....20 minute shitter turned into 2 minutes...true story
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