Remember the It's Always Sunny Where Dee Dates the Passive Soldier?

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I

Iliketotypewords

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Dec 24, 2018
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  • #1
    Mike K burner account just so this isn't connected to my main account.

    So fun story, my wife decided to bug out on our marriage this summer. It came by way of a month long emotional affair that she denied (insisted dude was a friend) and then she files for divorce and decides coincidentally the next day she likes him as more than a friend. This is just a set up. I'm not looking for pity. Turns out the market for charismatic single dads that haven't completely let themselves go is STRONG. So I'm doing just fine.

    But I haven't met my soon to be ex wife's boyfriend in all this time. She tells me he's afraid to meet me. I'm like WTF. Is he 12? Well she's got to serve me with some paperwork this last week and so I tell her to have dude do it when I meet him. It will take some of the pressure off for them. My wife is 36 BTW.

    So I pull up in this parking lot to meet them and dude looks like he's 21. And he's REALLY uneasy. Won't make eye contact. Keeps looking down, keeps looking to the side. I'm cracking jokes to try to loosen things up for them and he'll chuckle for a moment but then whisper to my wife. At one point I'm like are we having a blast? He whispers to my wife and she's like "No, he's not". I'm just WTF at this point. Very entertaining. Obviously this guy is super passive and my wife is aggressively "assertive".

    Fast forward to yesterday. She pops by the house to watch the kids for me for a moment. When she pulls up she says "I sent him downstairs". My backyard is downstairs and down 4 stories. I said what? And she just says "I sent him downstairs". I thought it was a joke. I didn't really understand what she was saying.

    So I go drop off the car, get an uber back and she's using my bathroom to get ready for wherever the two of them are supposed to go. At this point I'm just cracking child joke after child joke. The guy is 27 years old and my wife is almost 37. They have literally nothing in common and it looks like she's dating a kid. It's hilarious. Lucky for me the humor is not lost on my wife. I joke around about how uneasy he looked when he met me and then asked if she gave him his bottle and put him down for a nap when they left. She's cracking up and makes a joke about how she rocked him to bed.

    At this point she's been at my house for an hour and a half and we've been up in the bathroom cracking young person jokes about her boyfriend for 15 minutes. Then suddenly she just busts out laughing. And she's laughing uncontrollably. I'm trying to figure out what is suddenly so funny and then she says "he's downstairs". Now I'm confused.

    "What do you mean?".

    And she says it again, this time laughing through the sentence "He's downstairs!". And suddenly my face gets serious an I'm like NO. He's here? And now she's just full on losing her shit. And she's like "Yes, I told you when I pulled up that I sent him downstairs".

    So we're now a full two hours into her being at my house, she has completely forgotten that she sent her boyfriend into my backyard when she got to the house and worse yet, he hasn't called, hasn't texted, hasn't done shit. He's just down there twiddling his thumbs. :rofl:

    I told my wife this is what she needed all along. I have never been able to not push back on crazy. This guy though. He'll sit in my backyard for two hours waiting for his lady without a peep. :rofl:

    And so as she's walking down I tell her this is like the episode of It's Always Sunny where Dee realizes she left the soldier in her car and they go out there to find him sitting with the windows up, sweating, smile on his face. She proceeds to completely come unhinged in laughter once again, we go down to her car, I ask her how she brought him to our house without a booster seat, we both laugh again, she collects her boyfriend and leaves.

    I could not write this if someone paid me to.
    Click to read more...
     
    Mook

    Mook

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  • #3
    1. You have a GREAT outlook on all this. Straight cracking jokes, wanting to meet the dude, joking with him. Not wanting to throw your wife out the window.
    2. If you havent already banged your soon to be ex, you will. The writing is on the wall.
    3. Single dads even in ok shape, clean HOUSE.
    4. Looking forward to more Mike K escapades.
     
    I

    Iliketotypewords

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    Dec 24, 2018
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  • #7
    Mook said:
    1. You have a GREAT outlook on all this. Straight cracking jokes, wanting to meet the dude, joking with him. Not wanting to throw your wife out the window.
    2. If you havent already banged your soon to be ex, you will. The writing is on the wall.
    3. Single dads even in ok shape, clean HOUSE.
    4. Looking forward to more Mike K escapades.
    Click to expand...

    1. This is after months of this. If you want to go for a ride in the wayback machine to August or July it was a much different story. One that involved my wife moving into our office in the backyard and me throwing her crap off our balcony down into said backyard. In my defense, it was a yoga mat. But I was not zen at all. I was a barely functioning mess. Therapy, friends and family got me here. Also my wife going effectively losing her mind, dating a kid and leaving her family did wonders for the coping process.

    2. She already tried! Also tried to get me to consider an open marriage in which I pay all her bills, she lives somewhere else, has no responsibilities and is banging another dude. Listen, I can't blame her for trying. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, right? :rofl:

    3. I had no idea. In September when things were crazy and I wasn't ready to date, I had moms at my son's school popping out of shrubs, jumping out of manhole covers all like "what's up mike"? People I didn't even know knew me were suddenly aware of my existence. I really had no idea. I saw myself through my wife's lens and she very much isn't attracted to me any longer. Then again, I'm about 10 years older than her "type".
     
    Mook

    Mook

    Mr. Manager
    Staff member
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    May 23, 2007
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  • #8
    I have high expectations for single Mike K in 2019.

    k4lrrkq.gif
     
    I

    Iliketotypewords

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    Dec 24, 2018
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  • #9
    I should add that I found my life calling in Tinder and Bumble. I'm not really in the market for hookups just because it seems like so much work. But I've had a couple dates that ended up just being hookups which hey, fine by me. Use me.

    My buddy and I used to prank late night infomercials like 15 years ago. One of them was a penis enlargement pill that promised 30% gains so I'm talking to the customer service agent and I'm half way through my fake credit card number when I pause to ask them what 2 inches plus 30% was. The lady totally lost her shit. So I told my buddy I'd incorporate the line into a text. And well... Hang tight.
     
    I

    Iliketotypewords

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    Dec 24, 2018
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  • #15
    I'd feel like a creep posting a picture but easily an 8. The other one that wants to go out this weekend is a red head and she's also a solid 8. But they're fucking hilarious, smart and have great careers too. Wit is attractive to me. So if someone can't go toe to toe with me in messages I hit the snooze button quickly just because it gets boring. I had a 10 last night that was just saying lol to everything I said. I hit the stop button on that one pretty quick. But the ones I'm going out with are gorgeous and smart.

    More notes incoming... Just going to turn this into the tinder/ bumble thread at this point.
     
    I

    Iliketotypewords

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    Dec 24, 2018
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  • #17
    So my neighbor and I have this running joke about how we're average looking in LA but when we get off the plane in Chicago we're fucking gorgeous. I joke around about being an LA 6 but a Chicago 12... but it's a joke!

    So anyhow, in LA if I do NOTHING on Bumble (and if I'm talking to someone I'm generally not on the apps) I'll typically getting 3 - 4 people in my queue every day. These are people that like me and I can match with. Tinder will generally show my "people who said yes" queue as 10+. And if you want to see those people you need to pay or just wait until they show up organically in your card stack.

    So I fly to Chicago last week. I wake up on my second day there. I'm not checking any apps because I was talking to someone out here already. I get an email that says I have 38 notifications on Bumble. So I open bumble and there's a shitload of people in my queue. I go to the cards and just start swiping right to see what would happen. Match, match, match, match. So I'm thinking ok, this is just because I just got into town but then every day it's like 15 notifications. Pull up Tinder and it's 25+ people in my queue.

    Lesson: LA 6's ARE Chicago 10s apparently. I matched with a hotty who I thought was from Hollywood. We did the whole back and forth. She goes to give me her number and boom: 815. DAMNIT. I just owned up to my mistake, told her she was hot AF and that if she wanted to move out to LA on a whim she had a date. :rofl:
     
    I

    Iliketotypewords

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    Dec 24, 2018
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  • #25
    I mean, shit really went sideways here at year eight but if I’m honest, it was never good. That’s not to say it was horrible for eight years because it wasn’t but we’re two people that should have never been together. Honestly, I knew that before we got married but was so insecure that I didn’t think I’d do better and figured we’d grow into it. :rofl:
     
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