maybe old, but, what the hell....
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family,
and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across
the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few
arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports,
immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the
same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that
I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting
the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might
need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the
flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and
lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy
access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any
effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the
memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all
police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals
on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not
want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes,
and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice
and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might
place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these
things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am
sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him
nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail
hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely, Paul
---
> > CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
> >
> > "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
> > shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in
> > the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink
> > this beer, they might
be
> > out
> > of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It
> > is
> > better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be
> > selfish and worry about my liver."
> >
> > ~ Jack Handy
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> >
> > "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
> > morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank
> > Sinatra
> >
> >
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> >
> > "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> >
> >
> > ~ Henny Youngman
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
> >
> >
> > ~ Stephen Wright
> >
> > ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
> > When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go
> > to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
> >
> >
> > ~ Brian O'Rourke
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> >
> >
> > ~ Benjamin Franklin
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
> > is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
> > but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
> >
> >
> > ~ Dave Barry
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
> >
> >
> > ~ "Unknown"
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Remember "I" before "E" e xcept in Budweiser.
> >
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
> > can!
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of
Cheers.
> > One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
> > Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
> > "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only
move
> > as
> > fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
> > slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
> > natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
> > general
speed
> > and
> > health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the
> > weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate
> > as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we
> > know,
> > kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest
> > brain
> > cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the
> > weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
> > machine.
> > That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family,
and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across
the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few
arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports,
immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the
same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that
I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting
the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might
need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the
flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and
lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy
access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any
effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the
memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all
police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals
on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not
want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes,
and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice
and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might
place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these
things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am
sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him
nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail
hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely, Paul
---
> > CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
> >
> > "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
> > shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in
> > the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink
> > this beer, they might
be
> > out
> > of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It
> > is
> > better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be
> > selfish and worry about my liver."
> >
> > ~ Jack Handy
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> >
> > "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
> > morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank
> > Sinatra
> >
> >
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> >
> > "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> >
> >
> > ~ Henny Youngman
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
> >
> >
> > ~ Stephen Wright
> >
> > ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
> > When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go
> > to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
> >
> >
> > ~ Brian O'Rourke
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> >
> >
> > ~ Benjamin Franklin
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
> > is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
> > but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
> >
> >
> > ~ Dave Barry
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
> >
> >
> > ~ "Unknown"
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Remember "I" before "E" e xcept in Budweiser.
> >
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
> > can!
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of
Cheers.
> > One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
> > Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
> > "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only
move
> > as
> > fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
> > slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
> > natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
> > general
speed
> > and
> > health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the
> > weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate
> > as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we
> > know,
> > kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest
> > brain
> > cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the
> > weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
> > machine.
> > That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
